2008-06-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

1. "See? I told you the bad times don't last forever! Of course, neither do the good times."

2. "It just amazes me that you and the Big K produced a kid like Eric. I bet DNA testing would show that he's someone else's entirely."

3. "So, other than the master cylinder needing to be replaced, how does the car run?"

4. "Did that tornado get you guys? Yeah? I told you to move to Arizona. We die of heat here, but at least we don't blow off the face of the fucking earth."

5. "Try not to get fired from this new job. Or at least get a year in so you can have a vacation instead of your usual unemployment benefits."

6. "He said that? He said you need therapy? Put that fucker on the phone! Now! He shouldn't be saying shit like that to you! I know I said it, but that's me! Put him on the phone! I mean it! I know I told you to marry him! That was twenty-three years ago! Clearly he has deteriorated! And since when do you do what I say anyway?"

7. "I'm on my third brandy. From here on out, I can't be responsible for anything you say. And it's retroactive as well. Nothing got said here."

8. "Can we please get through one conversation without you mentioning Tom Petty? I mean, it's too late for this one, but I am so sick of that guy just from your talk and emails that I can't even listen to 'Last Dance With Mary Jane' and that was once my favorite song. Shut up about Tom Petty."

9. "No, everybody does not have an affair. And no, you do not need to do that to write a good book. Just read about someone else's affair. And if you do have an affair, prepare to get caught. And make no mistake, I will be armed. I'll blow the bastard away, trust me."

10. "I wish you'd quit blogging me. You're reducing me to words on a page. And you're using my real name. How do you think that makes me feel? I want you to stop blogging about me. Okay? Thank you."

10 Comments Kirby Made During Our Last Phone Conversation